The best place to seek God is in a garden. You can dig for him there. ~George Bernard Shaw, The Adventures of the Black Girl in Her Search for God, 1932

I realized that I have always metaphorically speaking used a garden to represent my life.  Right now as I look outside my garden is a mess.  It depicts my spiritual life at this present time.  Messy, but not lost.  Weeds represent purging for me.  I have far too often neglected my spiritual life for various reasons I care not to admit. Looking at my life and my garden brings me to my knees - I shall take care of those weeds dear garden.

"My garden is my favorite teacher. " ~Betsy Cañas Garmon,

For an Angel.

Last night a little girl became an Angel...
Why didn't the world stop?
Why did people keep laughing and talking and pay no attention to the grief of her parents?
Is there still people going on with life while this happened? Why?
Don't they know the grief? The pain of losing a child? Even so... why does it keep making
noise?   There is so much going on! So much to see to hear.  Don't they know
a child died?  Stop it, Stop it!! Feel! No one should go to their own child's funeral!
There is still feeling it won't go away!  It won't go away.. Everythings changed!
People say time heals all wounds.  That is a waste on ears!
Life has changed. 
Last night a little girl became an Angel....

Soon I will leave my full time rotation at Tyson.. It has been the best healing place for me as a mother.  Knowing that I can celebrate life instead of being angry about it is indeed a good thing.  Most people I believe know this in the back of their mind ; however they may need to be reminded of it.  Our family has been through a lot in the past 7 years.  Like most families - we cope with this and that.  Makes us grow kinda thing.  I have been pretty good about embracing life changes with our daughter who has been diagnosed with Muscular dystrophy 3 years ago.  I'm surprised as emotionally I melt when it gets tough on my family members.  I drew strength from many things over the past 3 years.  I am thankful for work being my healing place.  The parents of one of my clients made note of the process of celebrating life to me and it has stuck.  It isn't always easy for me but for the most part I am doing it.  

I am so thankful for such amazing children. For being willing to give up their time with me to go to work and heal.   For my daughter B who is just incredible at everything she touches.  So loving and nurturing.  She is so much like her father. - really I need to do a paragraph on each of my children to make memory of this time in their life.  For now I will choose a few sentences to describe each of them.  My son Mitchel is cool .  Moments of tenderness I see in him.  Tired all the time- but he is a teen...  My son Riley is a goofball.. like his mother... helpful, tender towards his sister,  a great organizer and witty,
My daughter Nicole is quieter like her Dad,  soft and soft spoken, wise beyond her years and a trooper with all that she has to cope with.

In the moments I have struggled it has helped to know who I am.. and realize that.... "That Which We Are, We Are"  I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow every day.  I will sometimes cause at the end of the day I'm only human.. I have good thoughts and bad ones.   I have moments of sharing incredible things with family and friends... I am who I am. 

There is no need to live in a bubble!!! pissy pissy people!!!

Something Beautiful, Something Good!

This is kind of in a response blog to a friends blog... Did that sound right.. I suppose I try really hard not to focus on puncuation at these times and to just enjoy the flow of writing! For pure joy!

I was thinking about church and how my family and I have not been for many months - well actually almost 2 years.  I seem to always use a scale to represent my thoughts and actions in life.  If I am balancing in literal terms it would be in the middle.

Church is not in the balance right now.
I suppose I have given up a bit on church.
I do find that profoundly sad.  I love Jesus and
want to fellowship with others- in fact I love being with people a lot!! I have just grown weary of the Black and White and finding my balance to be grey.  There is so much judgement in the Christian body.  I just felt judged from someone at the church we had been going to and it was at the time my daughter was diagnosed with a disease.  The strength was not in me to build up that adaptability and positivity to the situation.  I was struggling to gain balance for myself and my family.  The strength was no longer in me to bounce back and be Alanna. 
I feel sad that this has happened and I want to go back to church.  I miss it in a lot of ways!  Sadly, I am a little scared to go back.  I know our family needs it.  
I am not sure who wrote the song ; Something Beautiful, Something Good .  I know there is something beautiful and something good in every situation ... I just want to find it so I can go back.

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