The best place to seek God is in a garden. You can dig for him there. ~George Bernard Shaw, The Adventures of the Black Girl in Her Search for God, 1932

I realized that I have always metaphorically speaking used a garden to represent my life.  Right now as I look outside my garden is a mess.  It depicts my spiritual life at this present time.  Messy, but not lost.  Weeds represent purging for me.  I have far too often neglected my spiritual life for various reasons I care not to admit. Looking at my life and my garden brings me to my knees - I shall take care of those weeds dear garden.

"My garden is my favorite teacher. " ~Betsy Cañas Garmon,

For an Angel.

Last night a little girl became an Angel...
Why didn't the world stop?
Why did people keep laughing and talking and pay no attention to the grief of her parents?
Is there still people going on with life while this happened? Why?
Don't they know the grief? The pain of losing a child? Even so... why does it keep making
noise?   There is so much going on! So much to see to hear.  Don't they know
a child died?  Stop it, Stop it!! Feel! No one should go to their own child's funeral!
There is still feeling it won't go away!  It won't go away.. Everythings changed!
People say time heals all wounds.  That is a waste on ears!
Life has changed. 
Last night a little girl became an Angel....

Soon I will leave my full time rotation at Tyson.. It has been the best healing place for me as a mother.  Knowing that I can celebrate life instead of being angry about it is indeed a good thing.  Most people I believe know this in the back of their mind ; however they may need to be reminded of it.  Our family has been through a lot in the past 7 years.  Like most families - we cope with this and that.  Makes us grow kinda thing.  I have been pretty good about embracing life changes with our daughter who has been diagnosed with Muscular dystrophy 3 years ago.  I'm surprised as emotionally I melt when it gets tough on my family members.  I drew strength from many things over the past 3 years.  I am thankful for work being my healing place.  The parents of one of my clients made note of the process of celebrating life to me and it has stuck.  It isn't always easy for me but for the most part I am doing it.  

I am so thankful for such amazing children. For being willing to give up their time with me to go to work and heal.   For my daughter B who is just incredible at everything she touches.  So loving and nurturing.  She is so much like her father. - really I need to do a paragraph on each of my children to make memory of this time in their life.  For now I will choose a few sentences to describe each of them.  My son Mitchel is cool .  Moments of tenderness I see in him.  Tired all the time- but he is a teen...  My son Riley is a goofball.. like his mother... helpful, tender towards his sister,  a great organizer and witty,
My daughter Nicole is quieter like her Dad,  soft and soft spoken, wise beyond her years and a trooper with all that she has to cope with.

In the moments I have struggled it has helped to know who I am.. and realize that.... "That Which We Are, We Are"  I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow every day.  I will sometimes cause at the end of the day I'm only human.. I have good thoughts and bad ones.   I have moments of sharing incredible things with family and friends... I am who I am. 

There is no need to live in a bubble!!! pissy pissy people!!!

Something Beautiful, Something Good!

This is kind of in a response blog to a friends blog... Did that sound right.. I suppose I try really hard not to focus on puncuation at these times and to just enjoy the flow of writing! For pure joy!

I was thinking about church and how my family and I have not been for many months - well actually almost 2 years.  I seem to always use a scale to represent my thoughts and actions in life.  If I am balancing in literal terms it would be in the middle.

Church is not in the balance right now.
I suppose I have given up a bit on church.
I do find that profoundly sad.  I love Jesus and
want to fellowship with others- in fact I love being with people a lot!! I have just grown weary of the Black and White and finding my balance to be grey.  There is so much judgement in the Christian body.  I just felt judged from someone at the church we had been going to and it was at the time my daughter was diagnosed with a disease.  The strength was not in me to build up that adaptability and positivity to the situation.  I was struggling to gain balance for myself and my family.  The strength was no longer in me to bounce back and be Alanna. 
I feel sad that this has happened and I want to go back to church.  I miss it in a lot of ways!  Sadly, I am a little scared to go back.  I know our family needs it.  
I am not sure who wrote the song ; Something Beautiful, Something Good .  I know there is something beautiful and something good in every situation ... I just want to find it so I can go back.

Check out my FunPix!

Check out my Slide Show!

I'm not too sure why I would pick a sunflower in the winter. I guess the shoots or peeking out of the ground crying for spring and I felt the need for a sunflower in my life. My life is crying out for spring. Winter has cast a dark spot in my soul metaphorically speaking. I have never experienced so much pain in one year. Maybe I have forgotten if it has ever been this bad. I am usually one to find blessing in whatever may happen; however as I see the sunflower crave the sun and see it facing the
sun - I know, I know that I must seek the Son as well. Maybe to write it will help me get through it. To speak to God as I write this blog.

Not Why but How God? How can I cope with a daughter who will die from her muscles shutting down. How can I cope with this house that is not finished? How can I cope with manipulative people who have caused so much pain in our lives and lied and hurt our family. How can I be a support to my family who are still grieving for Nicole?
How can I trust you more? When I first learned about Nicole's disease I said ok God I know that you have entrusted her little life with us and I will help her through this time Lord I will make her life the best it can be. You said, "will you love me still if I give you more to bear?" "Of course Lord, I will I said." How much more I say now? How much? I know that there are worse things to bear. I see the news, I see the pain people endure. I want to give you all I am Lord. I know sometimes that there are things that will happen. I always knew something would happen to Nicole. My heart would beat fast and sharp breath would escape as if I was stabbed. I would look - look at this little girl and Know that it was not good what would take place.
I want to become closer to you Lord but I fear that I may know more or see more if I do. i know I have a jumble of thoughts and emotions right now. Is this me seeking your son? I realize that you want our family close. It has become closer as it once was in this past month. The pain from manipulation and lies has stopped, that has been so awesome. Thank you God! I know you have much in store for our family. I want to give it all to you! I want to poke my head out of the ground and seek, seek your son!! Please help me!

It was hard to watch Nicole get an IV done for the first time.. It didn't go in right the first time and It hurt :( The Dr. felt so bad for her.. She fell asleep almost instantly. The piece of muscle was taken from her upper left leg. It is an inch and a half long.. This will determine for sure the type of muscular dystrophy she has.

Sometimes the gifts of Christmas come to us in watching our children. One of these moments was watching Ry be a " Rock'n Santa" he "suited" the part!

I wish, I wish I could take it all away from my little girl. This horrible disease that will cause her muscles to waste away until it takes her life. I know that there is a reason for everything.. Why does life have to be so painful? Amidst the pain we live of course. We laugh and be silly. we Do not rain on our daughter's parade. But when she is not watching we look at her and we see an "Earth Angel" - a little girl who demands no attention. Our hearts are breaking every more each day. We see signs of more weakness in her :( God will call all of us home at some point we know. We just want to hold on.. to protect her from the pain and hurting of this disease! Oh how I ache for her. I love you so much Nicole! So, So much!!

Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD)

Main article: Duchenne muscular dystrophy

Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD) is the most common childhood form of muscular dystrophy. DMD usually becomes clinically evident when a child begins walking. Patients typically require a wheelchair by age 10 to 12 and die in their late teens or early 20s. In the early 1990s, researchers identified the gene for the protein dystrophin which, when absent, causes DMD. The dystrophin gene is the largest known gene in humans. Since the gene is on the X-chromosome, this disorder affects primarily males. Females who are carriers have milder symptoms. Sporadic mutations in this gene occur frequently, accounting for a third of cases. The remianing two-thirds of cases are inherited in a recessive pattern. age at onset: two to six years; symptoms include general muscle weakness and wasting; affects pelvis, upper arms, and upper legs; eventually involves all voluntary muscles; survival beyond 20 years is rare.[4]

Dystrophin is part of a complex structure involving several other protein components. The "dystrophin-glycoprotein complex" helps anchor the structural skeleton within the muscle cells, through the outer membrane of each cell, to the tissue framework that surrounds each cell. Due to defects in this assembly, contraction of the muscle leads to disruption of the outer membrane of the muscle cells and eventual weakening and wasting of the muscle.[4]

Brooke Lynne so sweet! Such an industrious and hard worker in life. Very talented at so many things!! She is a beauty in and out!